When Cthulhu Met Atlach-Nacha Read online

  (Strained silence)

  CUTHBERT: What happened next? She chained me to the bed.

  ASHTON: It's not as bad as it sounds.

  CUTHBERT: I don't know. I think it's just about what it sounds like. How else could it be interpreted? Ashton. Chained. Me. To. The. Bed.

  ASHTON: Out of love.

  CUTHBERT: It was out of love, I don't deny it.

  (Spotlights off. Lights up. CUTHBERT is chained by one ankle to the bed frame. ASHTON sits on the floor beside him.)

  CUTHBERT: Good Cthulhu, my head. (Groans)

  ASHTON: How are you feeling? Here, drink some water.

  CUTHBERT: My head hurts so bad. What happened?

  (CUTHBERT sits up, notices chain and follows it from his ankle to the bed.)

  What the hell?

  ASHTON: I can't have you out there during all this.

  CUTHBERT: You hit me on the head, didn't you?

  ASHTON: With a can of tomato sauce.

  CUTHBERT: Damn it!

  (CUTHBERT stands menacingly. ASHTON doesn't react but remains seated. CUTHBERT collapses back to the bed.)

  Ashton, I'm an adult. I should be treated like an adult. And this is religious intolerance.

  ASHTON: Come on!

  CUTHBERT: I didn't attack you when I found you performing your ritual to Atlach-Nacha.

  ASHTON: (pause) You know I don't like talking about religion.

  CUTHBERT: So we're going to sit here and ignore the reason that you've chained me to the bed while Armageddon goes on around us?

  ASHTON: (Apologetically) I figured we could play checkers?

  CUTHBERT: (Pause, then grudgingly) Okay, fine, get the checkerboard.

  (ASHTON gets the checkerboard and sets it up on the bed. A sly look crosses CUTHBERT's face.)

  CUTHBERT: We'll play checkers, but for every piece I capture, I get to ask you a question, and you have to answer.

  ASHTON: And what do I get when I capture a piece?

  CUTHBERT: You chained me to the bed.

  ASHTON: Fair enough. But Bertie, you know you never beat me.

  CUTHBERT: But I'll get what I want through attrition.

  ASHTON: Such a vocabulary, and yet so bad at checkers.

  (They play checkers.)

  CUTHBERT: I had the craziest dream while I was out. Atlach-Nacha was furiously spinning her web across the chasm separating our world from the world of dreams in her lair beneath Mount Voormithadreth. The thing is, she was concentrating so hard, she didn't notice that Cthulhu, who's caught between our world and the dream world, sat on the other side, waiting for her. When she completed her web and stepped across, Cthulhu ripped off her spindly legs one by one and then tossed her bloated torso down into the pit.

  ASHTON: She knows what she's doing. She knows what awaits her.

  CUTHBERT: (Distractedly) Cthulhu dreams, but he is stirring. His thoughts are like electricity through my nerves. I can barely think.

  ASHTON: That would explain why you're playing even worse than usual.

  CUTHBERT: And I've got a hard-on like you wouldn't believe. (Shudders, eyes closed) Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

  ASHTON: (Claps) Cuthbert! Hey!

  CUTHBERT: (His eyes open, and he looks different) What will you do when he awakens? Where will you hide? How will you look upon the alien geometry of his gargantuan frame and maintain your sanity?

  (ASHTON remains silent. CUTHBERT lunges at her, sending the checkerboard and checkers flying. She dodges him, and he hits the end of his chain and begins dragging the bed, scrabbling after her.)

  ASHTON: (Speaking from a safe distance) Bertie, settle down. This won't get us anywhere.

  CUTHBERT: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

  ASHTON: Atlach-Nacha is the goddess of dreams. Her web is the tenuous connection of internal and external reality.

  CUTHBERT: His loathsome mass will displace the seas. Cities will flood. Cities will burn.

  (CUTHBERT grunts as he drags the bed.)

  ASHTON: Now, right now, there is no one reality. We can discover no unified theory of everything, no agreement between quantum physics and general relativity, because we are divided. When Atlach-Nacha finishes her web and we are devoured by the nightmares on the other side, we will be transformed. We will be whole.

  (CUTHBERT collapses, unable to pull the bed further.)

  CUTHBERT: We will all be grist in the mill of Cthulhu's tentacled jaws. But you, he will have only your soul, because I will take your body.

  ASHTON: This isn't you, Bertie. I'm going to leave for awhile and let you settle down.

  (ASHTON exits. The phone rings. CUTHBERT drags the bed towards it and answers.)

  CUTHBERT: Hello? (pause) Mr. Fordham, I'm sorry for the noise. I've hurt myself. Can you come up and help me? (pause) Thank you so much.

  (After a few moments, FORDHAM peaks in.)

  FORDHAM: Cuthbert? Are you alright?

  (FORDHAM enters the apartment and sees CUTHBERT collapsed on the floor by the phone.)

  Oh my goodness.

  (FORDHAM rushes to CUTHBERT and kneeling, shakes him.)

  Cuthbert! I'll call an ambulance.

  (CUTHBERT rolls over and grabs FORDHAM.)

  CUTHBERT: We're beyond the help of ambulances.

  (CUTHBERT throws FORDHAM to the floor. Lights out. FORDHAM screams. Spotlights on. ASHTON and CUTHBERT are seated.)

  CUTHBERT: Yeah, we've been together for quite awhile, long enough that sometimes I forget Ashton is actually another person.

  ASHTON: What do you mean?

  CUTHBERT: You seem like a voice in my head or something. Sometimes I look at you and think, "That's a totally separate person from me," and it blows my mind.

  ASHTON: I think I know what you mean. But if one of us is a voice in the other's head, you're in mine.

  CUTHBERT: How can you be so sure?

  ASHTON: Because I'm certain of my existence.

  CUTHBERT: Yeah. (Pause. To audience) How long have we been together?

  ASHTON: It's hard to say, now.

  CUTHBERT: But before…

  ASHTON: Before, we'd been together eight years.

  CUTHBERT: I stayed at Ol' Miskatonic U. It's a pretty incestuous department, but there wasn't any place else in the world as advanced in the cultures we were studying. So I stayed as an associate professor.

  ASHTON: He could have gone anywhere, with the work he'd already published on Cthulhu and the Nan Madol ruins. (Pause, looks out at the audience) Me? I turned our living room into a studio and kept going.

  CUTHBERT: I was practically living at Ol' Miskatonic U. anyway.

  ASHTON: Ol' Miskatonic U., Ol' Miskatonic U. You sound like a Fitzgerald character.

  CUTHBERT: I see now that this has been a story of the West, after all.

  ASHTON: Somehow we never grow tired of each other.

  CUTHBERT: Somehow? (To audience) She can't get enough of me. Seriously though, we try to not dig ourselves a rut.

  ASHTON: Try new things, all that. (Laughs) Like dancing.

  CUTHBERT: I know you're not laughing at my dancing.

  (Spotlights off. Lights up. CUTHBERT sits in the tub scrubbing his back with an old-fashion bath brush. ASHTON is in the kitchen mixing drinks.)

  CUTHBERT: La-da-dee-da-daaaa!

  (ASHTON, dressed in a robe, walks into the bathroom carrying two drinks.)

  ASHTON: Are you having fun in here?

  CUTHBERT: (Lasciviously) Come on in. The water's fine.

  ASHTON: You need to finish up so I can get ready. Marty and Susan will be here soon.

  (ASHTON sits one glass down on the edge of the sink, drinks from the other. CUTHBERT stretches for the drink, but can't reach it.)

  ASHTON: Does baby need his baba? Finish your bath and you can have your drink.

  CUTHBERT: Okay, Mom. "Clean your room before you go out. Don't splash in the tub. Three martinis is enough."

  ASHTON: Every time you compare me to yo
ur mother, a check mark is made on a cosmic tally sheet. There will come a reckoning.

  CUTHBERT: Hey, you wanna prove you're not like my Mom, just give me that drink.

  ASHTON: I knew I shouldn't hang around the archaeologists, but something about the danger…

  CUTHBERT: Okay, Mom.

  ASHTON: (Seriously) I would rethink your tactic.

  CUTHBERT: Okay, Mom.

  ASHTON: You think you're being cute/

  CUTHBERT: Okay, Mom/

  ASHTON: Here! I'm doing this because I don't want to have to kill you.

  (ASHTON hands the drink to CUTHBERT, sloshing it as she does. CUTHBERT holds the drink away from the tub to avoid its sloshing)

  CUTHBERT: Hey! (Pause, as ASHTON turns away) I was just kidding. Come here.

  (ASHTON turns further away.)

  Come here. (Deep baby voice) Oh, I didn't mean it.

  ASHTON: (Still turned away) You're just making me madder.

  CUTHBERT: (Baby voice continuing) I'm sorry. Come here. Give me a kiss.

  (CUTHBERT reaches out and takes ASHTON's hand. He pulls her closer, not roughly, but relentlessly. ASHTON gives in and let's CUTHBERT kiss her hand.)

  CUTHBERT: See? That's nice.

  (CUTHBERT pulls ASHTON down to him. She's stopped resisting. They kiss. CUTHBERT puts an arm around her shoulder, which galvanizes her.)

  ASHTON: Heyheyhey! You're getting me wet!

  (ASHTON tries to pull away but CUTHBERT grabs her around the waist, pulling her seated onto the edge of the tub.)

  CUTHBERT: Oooh, baby, that fast? I am sexy.

  (CUTHBERT starts pulling ASHTON into the tub. She flails to keep her precarious perchment.)

  ASHTON: Don't! Stop!

  CUTHBERT: Don't stop? Okay!

  (CUTHBERT pulls ASHTON into the tub, onto his lap. CUTHBERT looks at ASHTON, smiling. ASHTON keeps her gaze perpendicular to his. She has stopped struggling, but does not find this funny. CUTHBERT kisses her on the cheek over and over.)

  CUTHBERT: (Kiss) Ashton? (Kiss) Ashton? (Kiss) Did I go too far, Ashton? (Kiss)

  ASHTON: People warned me about you.

  CUTHBERT: What did they warn you about, Ashton? My lupine sexuality?

  ASHTON: They told me that you seem intelligent, but that emotionally you're about five.

  (CUTHBERT continues to kiss her on the cheek in a slow rhythm.)

  ASHTON: And now I'm stuck with you.

  (ASHTON climbs out of the tub. CUTHBERT helps by pushing on her butt.)

  CUTHBERT: They warned you, did they?

  ASHTON: Yes, they did.

  (ASHTON wrings portions of her robe, but gives up. With her back to CUTHBERT, facing the audience, she removes the robe, spreading it wide. Underneath she wears a slip. As she creates a sort of robe-screen, CUTHBERT stands from the tub and wraps himself in a towel. This hiding of nudity should appear coincidental. ASHTON drops the robe and kicks it away. CUTHBERT steps out of the tub and stands beside her. She still won't look at him.)

  CUTHBERT: Did they warn you about (beat) my dancing?

  (CUTHBERT begins to dance. At first, he slowly gyrates his hips. Then the gyrations increase in speed. As he begins to add limb-movement into the dance, it gets more and more ludicrous, and yet, strangely sensual. ASHTON continues to refuse to look at him until he begins to grind up on her from behind, taking her limp limbs and making her dance like a puppet. Soon though, she can't resist, and she begins dancing in just as ludicrous a manner. They eventually stop dancing. They laugh through deep breaths.)

  CUTHBERT: No, they didn't warn you about my dancing. They didn't warn you about its sensual power. They didn't warn you that the gyration of my hips is as the gyration of galaxies, that the writhing of my limbs is as the writhing of your most ancient desire. They didn't warn you that to watch me boogie is to hear ancient drums beat an eldritch, irresistible rhythm in the most primal part of your soul.

  (ASHTON stiffens as CUTHBERT speaks. She turns and grips him with one arm around his waist and one behind his head, and kisses him hungrily.)

  ASHTON: Please don't do that tonight, in front of Marty and Susan.

  CUTHBERT: Of course not. An orgy breaking out on the dance floor is fun once or twice, but I've learned there is a terrible price to pay for my powers.

  ASHTON: Whatever it takes to ensure that you don't do that in front of other people.

  (ASHTON pushes him.)

  ASHTON: Go get ready! For the love of the gods. Five years old? An infant.

  (CUTHBERT's hips sway to a dance rhythm as he walks away. Lights out. Spotlights up. ASHTON and CUTHBERT sit in their chairs, clothed.)

  ASHTON: You do have some pretty good moves.

  CUTHBERT: You think I don't know?

  (ASHTON stands and offers CUTHBERT her hand. They dance a nice slow dance. Eventually, they stop mid-dip and look into the audience.)

  ASHTON: You want to know more about Cuthbert chained to the bed, huh? A bit ghoulish, aren't we?

  (They stop dancing and return to an upright posture.)

  CUTHBERT: (To ASHTON) I don't know how any questions remain. Look at me. How could you not chain me to a bed when you got the chance?

  ASHTON: (Groans) Okay, this is what happened.

  (Spotlights out. Lights up. CUTHBERT is lying on the bed, flipping through an ancient tome bound in human skin. He's still chained to the bed. FORDHAM lies bloody where CUTHBERT attacked him previously. ASHTON enters, holding a coffee cup.)

  ASHTON: Bertie? Hello?

  (ASHTON walks over to check on CUTHBERT, who doesn't react, but continues flipping pages.)

  ASHTON: Cuthbert, what happened here? (Gesturing to FORDHAM)

  CUTHBERT: (As if he just noticed ASHTON's presence) Hmmm? Oh, the landlord called, inquiring about the noise. I lured him up here and murdered him.

  ASHTON: Poor old man.

  CUTHBERT: We're all dying. Anyway, I'm sure this can't compare to what you saw out there.

  (CUTHBERT sits up.)

  Tell me what it's like.

  ASHTON: The sun has been devoured. Whatever shines in the sky darkly is the eye of a Great Old One.

  (CUTHBERT gets up and goes to the window.)

  CUTHBERT: I know. I peeked tremulously between the slats at the hateful sky. A dark beam slipped in and through my pupil and whatever remained of my humanity evaporated in a pathetic puff and sizzle.

  ASHTON: The same thing happened to me!

  (ASHTON holds up coffee cup.)

  But the coffee shop is still open.

  CUTHBERT: Did you get something for me?

  ASHTON: Yeah, (scoffs) I'm gonna trust you with scalding liquid.

  CUTHBERT: Good point. So, come on, what's going on out there? I can only see the alley.

  ASHTON: Well, I heard that Father Dagon has dragged his bloated, stinking bulk from the waters near Innsmouth, and the Deep Ones have overrun the coast and are moving inland as fast as they can flop. The Mi-Go have flown through the planar portal, and the Starspawn of Cthulhu have been released.

  CUTHBERT: The Starspawn were trapped within R'lyeh when it sank. So it has risen. I knew it.

  ASHTON: Haven't you felt the tremors? The Earth is shaking. Cthulhu is certainly rising.

  CUTHBERT: The Earth shakes at only his first four dimensions. The rest wash over our minds in waves, plucking the ripest. And all his forces have been summoned and await his return. Your Atlach-Nacha doesn't stand a chance.

  ASHTON: But the spiders of Leng have also joined the battle. And Atlach-Nacha, oblivious to it all, continues to weave her web.

  CUTHBERT: You worship a god who doesn't even know you exist.

  ASHTON: And you worship one who sees your mind as food, and nothing more. You're like a blade of grass worshiping a cow.

  CUTHBERT: Let's just agree to disagree. (pause) Describe the chaos to me.

  ASHTON: The violence is (beat) beautiful. The streets run with a rainbow of blood. Red, of course, but greens and purples and blues. So vibrant… It's
impossible to tell human from creature, if there was ever a difference. Everywhere are stacks of bodies, some still and dead, but some writhing. I don't really want to know what's going on in those undulating piles, but you can't help but stare.

  CUTHBERT: I've thought about what you said earlier, and you're right. When the end comes, when Cthulhu devours our minds and his servants, the Starspawn, devour our bodies, I want to be here with you.

  ASHTON: Cuthbert, that's so touching.

  CUTHBERT: We'll have eternity with Cthulhu. We only have right now with each other. The end is near.

  ASHTON: The end is certainly near, nigh, even, but I don't think things will turn out as you expect them to.

  CUTHBERT: (laughing a strained, somewhat psychotic laugh) Agree to disagree!

  (ASHTON goes to the kitchen and begins preparing dinner. CUTHBERT picks up his chain, looks at it, looks at ASHTON.)

  CUTHBERT: But I really do think you're right about experiencing Armageddon side by side.

  (ASHTON looks at CUTHBERT for a moment, thinking. CUTHBERT smiles, holding up his chain. ASHTON turns back to the pots and bags of groceries.)

  ASHTON: I'm starving. I almost took a bite out of this dead Mi-Go on the way back. I hear they taste like mushrooms, but I'm not eating just any old fungus I find on the street. I mean, if they were made of cookies, that's one thing. All cookies taste good. But you have to be selective about… (Perks up suddenly) Hey, why did the Shoggoth like to hang out with the Mi-Go?

  CUTHBERT: (Rolling his eyes and speaking flatly) Why?

  ASHTON: Because he was a fun guy! A fungi, get it?

  (CUTHBERT doesn't reply. ASHTON continues cooking. CUTHBERT begins flipping through his book again, gaining speed and intensity. Finally, he finds the page he wants. His movements show his agitated state. CUTHBERT at first mutters, but his words eventually grow emphatic, though not loud enough to alert ASHTON.)

  CUTHBERT: That is not dead which can eternal lie.

  And with strange aeons even death may die.

  That is not dead which can eternal lie.

  And with strange aeons even death may die.

  ASHTON: What, honey?

  CUTHBERT: Nothing! Just reading aloud.

  (As CUTHBERT speaks he rips out the page, kneels before FORDHAM, crumples the page, and shoves it into FORDHAM's mouth. Kneeling before the corpse, he continues to chant, as many times as necessary.)